pain in the ass

My ass is on fire.
It began to rain as I rode my bike past the salon where I’d bought a ten pack of tanning sessions when I first moved to town, over a year and a half ago. Especially considering the horrific state of my face, I thought this to be a good time to see if those tans were still valid.
“Actually, you have one left, and this is the last month you can use it.”
I tan about five times a year. Usually in the dead of winter when I’m depressed, need sun and the oil sucked out of my skin. Being naturally dark, I always do a full 20 minutes and rarely have color to show for it.
You see where this is going.
It seemed like a damn long 20 minutes. The few areas of my bod that rarely see sunlight are flaming.
Thus, sitting and writing this is quite the literal pain in my ass.